rebecca's insite

Thirty years ago, I worked in a nursing home as a certified nurse aid, earned just over minimum wage, and lived in a cozy attic of a house owned by an elderly couple—the one with the purple cow in the front yard. I spent the next few decades forging a new path, pursuing a doctorate, and building a successful 15+ year career as an IT professional. In retrospect, I paved a non-traditional career path that very few traverse – from elder care to academia and then to the IT sector. At each fork-in-the-road, I made the choice of the direction I would go. Decisions that were, at times, quite difficult to make.

Today, I find myself in a sense of déjà vu—a glitch in the simulation of my life. I am mirroring the life of 30 years ago: taking care of elders, low-income, and preparing to rent the upstairs of a home owned by a gracious elderly lady (no purple cow outside though).

Did I travel back in time, or slip into a parallel universe where the last 15 years never happened? It feels like I’ve awakened into one of the novels I read this month, like The Midnight Library or Dark Matter, where characters traverse “what if” scenarios. Perhaps if I would’ve followed a more traditional path, I’d be in a different situation today? I am sure, this is certainly true; however, as the fictional novel reveals, it might not be a better scenario.

I find that each book I read, the theme is deeply applicable to my current chapter. Themes like how trauma can forge purpose in various life stages in It Ends With Us and Dear Edward or how pivotal moments shape leadership in the memoirs I read. Although I am not a fictional character in a novel and the events over the last two years were not necessarily within my control, I know that I am still the co-author of my life. This chapter requires the kind of strength and tenacity I’ve always possessed, fueled by the belief that God has something GREAT in store for me.

Today, I’m not having panic attacks like the kind I had two years ago, nor am I stuck in a cycle of depression. In this cycle of hardships, I’ve reached a point of total surrender.

Surrender, in this context, isn’t giving up. It’s being completely open. It’s trusting that this chapter, which mirrors my past, is not a regression but a refinement; a season of profound trust. I am putting my head down and doing the work I must, not because I know the ending, but because I am confident I will be okay.

I am learning that sometimes you must look back to realize how much more “you” you are today. The circumstances might mirror the past, but the person experiencing them has been forged by grit and resilience. More importantly, she has survived and thrived because of it.

This is how I’ve activated my greatness. True growth begins with the strength to surrender and the commitment to trust. I am not just starting over; I am moving forward with a seasoned soul.